Tagged: Jesse Eisenjew
Quick Update + Jesse Gif
Work started Saturday morning, 8:30 to 12:30. I love working there. I worked Saturday, Sunday, yesterday, and I work tomorrow and Saturday morning again. I might have to work eight hour shifts on Wednesdays, 7:30 to 4. I’m not sure yet, though. It won’t happen for a while.
I got my new meds Friday and tried them. They’re basically Xanax in the sense that I take them as-needed, whenever my anxiety is bad. I took them Friday night and Saturday before work, and so far, I’ve noticed that they make me feel weak and shaky and emotional, like I could cry. Friday they helped my anxiety, but Saturday they didn’t as much, if at all. They look like forrealz drugs, though, like the shit you get off the street. It freaks me out.
If I’m not sleeping or at work, I’m doing homework. All the time. I just have so much shit to do, all the time. I hardly ever watch TV anymore, because I just can’t stand to sit and do nothing when I could be working on something. I have a paper due in English, American gov, and philosophy, all within the next four weeks.
I’m fucked for my meditation shit. I don’t like meditating, so far. I have no clue how I’m going to write a three to five page paper about how it changed my life.
I stumbled upon Jean-Paul Sartre’s Nausea, and it’s basically my life. I ordered it through the library, so hopefully I’ll be able to hold it in my hands in a month or so.
That’s all I have time for. So busy. So happy, too. I love college.
-All
#nowplaying- dance playlist. It keeps me going.
#nowwatching- Real Time, for breakfast and lunch, if I make myself take a break.
#nowreading- fucking everything, and when I get a chance, bits of Nausea by Jean-Paul Sartre.
#mood- good, a little stressed. Dancing.
An Update with a Pretty Gif
I had a pretty good weekend. We went up to Bart’s. On Saturday we went to a mall in Independence and a few hours after we left, there was a shooting there. I don’t know if anyone died but I know a few people got shot. On Friday, when we were on our way to dinner, we drove through a bad neighborhood and I saw a guy punch another guy and he fell to the ground clutching his stomach. Kansas City is the real deal.
On Thursday, I had my first appointment with my new therapist. She’s a student that specializes in CBT, which my old therapist and I thought would benefit me more. My old one specialized in identity and sexual orientation/identity stuff, but I’m over that (for the most part), so that’s why we changed. I think it’ll be fun, talking with her. Unfortunately, she’s only available on Thursdays, and I can only work at the library on Thursdays, so I’ll have to go right to the library after the appointment. We’ll see how it works.
Melanie was in Springfield on Thursday for a CPR training class, and after the appointment my mother and I met her at Olive Garden to eat. It was so great seeing her. She lived with us for almost five years, I think, and had more of an impact on me than she probably knows. We were talking, asking about Stephen (her son, two years younger than me), and she told us that he’s incredibly religious. He goes to the Baptist church that my step-great-aunt owns, the one I went to before and after school in fourth grade because my mum worked. It was also the one I went to Sunday school a few times, and it was the one where I got “saved”. He’s apparently hardcore about it. My mother mentioned that Baptists are rather strict about their feelings toward homosexuals, and Melanie was like, yeah, he believes it’s a sin. But it’s okay, she said, because it’s a sin, no more than being a murderer.
Stephen, the closest thing I have to a brother, the nicest, coolest kid I’ve ever known, the kid with a gay mom and a gay dad, thinks homosexuality is a sin. I was floored, unsurprisingly.
Tomorrow, classes start. I have a lecture from 5:30 to 8:15, American government. James has a math class around the same time, so I’m riding with her. I also plan to stay up until midnight tonight to see if my online classes show up on Blackboard. I am so fucking ready to get my ass kicked by school. I’m fucking ready to be a learned man.
I’m not that anxious about tomorrow. I mean, I am, obviously, but I’m handling it amazingly well. I just hope it sticks. So far, it has.
-All
#nowplaying- my studying playlist. I have a studying playlist now because I am in COLLEGE. I’m a COLLEGE STUDENT.
#nowwatching- I need to catch up on Family Guy episodes.
#nowreading- my textbooks, you know, BECAUSE I’M IN COLLEGE.
#mood- excited and hungry and tired and excited.
Update with Pictures
OW tweeted about going to see the play. Jesse wrote it and acts in it, apparently. It kills me, really, how alike we are in some aspects.
I had a feeling he’d come out in the monologue, and there he was, just waltzed right in.
It’s unfair, is what it is.
I’ve officially registered for classes for the spring semester. I’m taking Introduction to Philosophy, College Algebra, Composition I, and Personal Computer Applications online, and I’m taking American Government on the campus. The lecture is once a week, on Tuesday, for an hour and forty-five minutes. I think it’d be good for me to take at least one class in person.
I got a partial Pell grant for this year. It’s $1600 between two semesters, but I didn’t do the fall semester so it’ll just be applied to the spring semester. On top of that, I have $1000 from my GED scholarship. All the fees and expenses so far is over $2800, so I’ll have to pay $200 of that. College is expensive. This is where I start to think the French have it right.
All my textbooks cost almost $700. That is fucking ridiculous to me.
I’m going to Kansas for Thanksgiving. My mom, Bart, Terri, and I are going to our family for the actual day, then we’re going to their (Bart and Terri’s) family the day after. It’ll be lots of driving, apparently. I’m kind of excited to see my cousins, I guess.
Wordpress has changed a lot. The font I’m typing in right now looks very different and it’s throwing me off.
I’m getting worked up. I might be on the verge of a mental breakdown here shortly.
I’ve been having trouble writing the screenplay. It’s a huge mess right now that I need to work out. I don’t know.
I checked out audio book things to learn German. So far it’s going fine.
That’s all I can think of, really. It’s almost time for me to write. (I buckle down and focus at noon.) I wish I had my textbooks so I could look at them and get ahead. I’m pretty much full-blown addicted to fanfiction now. I’ve been feeling rather alone lately, for no good reason, because I’m not alone. It’s whatever.
-All
#nowplaying- playlist I made. Random shit from my iPod. Recently, though, Snow Patrol’s A Hundred Million Suns album and The Offspring’s Americana album.
#nowwatching- SNL.
#nowreading- Life as We Knew It’s sequel, although I haven’t read it in a while because I haven’t had the time.
#mood- I’m okay.
The Voice Inviting Me Away: Massive Update
A lot of shit has happened the past few weeks. I’ll try to update all I can (remember).
My mom totalled Bart’s car last Tuesday. No one got hurt or anything. My mom just ran a stoplight accidentally because, as she says, “it went from green straight to red”. The car isn’t even that fucked up, just the front of it, but the car people said it’s totalled, and you can’t argue with them.
Bart bought her a Mini Cooper tonight, apparently. White. We’re thinking of names. (Blanche, Fritzi, Sally, and Mini Yeti are the top choices right now.) James loves Mini Coopers, has always wanted one, so she was upset when she found out. But as I told my mother, if it upsets her that much, she can move out.
I didn’t go to work last week, called in sick, but I went today. It was good. I’ve been given a little more free range, finally. Leann must think I’m really stupid because she explains everything slowly, with lots of gestures, and talks slowly, and I’m like I am not an imbecile.
I feel like I have no one – have felt like this for a while now. I know I have people. Joey, Britta, Mich, Esha, Jess. But they all seem to have their own lives. Don’t reply to my emails or dms or texts, can never talk, etc. I know I’m weird, and fucked up, but these relationships aren’t new. They know by now how I am. I think it’s really just they all have their own shit, and I’m still here. Just here.
NIN is amazing. Their album(s?) The Fragile, especially.
Lots and lots of reading. And by reading, I mean lots and lots and lots of gaysex.
I’m writing a play, thing. It’s not a play. Screenplay maybe? I don’t know. I use Celtx, and it’s pure awesomeness. I’ve been writing on it every day for about a week or so. After this post I’ll write more, then go to sleep.
I’ve gotten used to being alone. Maybe it doesn’t count, because I have all these characters, but I’m managing.
My mom asked me to make reading guides for the book Life As We Know It. Her class is reading it. I read it a few years ago and it is one of the best books ever. I love it a lot.
Along with my screenplay-writing, I’ve gotten into scripts in general. I found the official script for The Social Network, released by Aaron Sorkin so it’s the real deal. Every time I read it I die a little. In the good way.
Andrew Garfield, Jesse Eisenberg, Mark Zuckerberg, Eduardo Saverin, and the whole gang have become a permanent fixture in my life now. No going back.
I haven’t painted in forever.
Thursday, I’m going to the college to take a placement test, hopefully.
I texted Caitlyn, and we talked a bit, then she stopped talking to me, stopped replying. We haven’t even talked since the day after the party. I must be weird or something and not even realize it.
I’m still so happy being single. Just the thought of my ex, or being in a relationship, or that whole almost-year I wasted makes me want to puke.
I think that’s it. Now onto a reason I love WordPress so much:
Click for larger image.
Because apparently “cock” isn’t in WordPress’s dictionary.
-All
[Image source.]
#nowplaying- NIN’s The Fragile.
#nowwatching- Pop Up Video. That shit is addictive.
#nowreading- Life As We Knew It.
#mood- good, for the most part.
Happy September (Late) Update
Not much is going on, really, but I’ll make a list anyway.
Bart is here this weekend, staying until tomorrow. It’s great having him here.
James’s birthday was on Friday (the second) and I didn’t get her anything because I’m broke.
A lady called me from the Library Center on Friday, telling me there was a volunteer job I could do. I said yes, of course. It’s next Thursday, three to five, and I’ll be putting stickers on new books. (I’ve done it before, actually, when I worked at the school library in junior high.) She also said she liked my handwriting (from the application) so she might think of writing-related things for me to do. I’m so fucking excited to work. If I do well, impress them and all, then hopefully I’ll have a good edge in and be able to do more.
I’ve been having small bouts of anxiety but I ignore it, for the most part, because I know if I give in then I won’t be able to get out.
I’ve also been depressed, by my own diagnosis. It started some time this week, or lately, or something. I don’t remember, honestly. I have no idea what kind of thoughts I was having, or about what.
My friends still have lives. (My friends being Mich, Esha, Britta, and Joey, although Joey isn’t talking to me now. Not sure he’ll ever talk to me again.) Oh, that’s why I was depressed. I spend approximately seven hours a day by myself, and my friends (sometimes) don’t reply to my emails or dms or mentions on Twitter, so yeah, I feel pretty fucking alone right now. As I tweeted earlier today, though, “I may be alone, but I have at least two guys hooking up in my mind.” That is referring to the characters in my head. They’re still there. Maybe one day I’ll make a list.
Yesterday it was ninety-four degrees and today it was sixty-three. I’m fucking stoked for winter.
I’m reading A Doll House by Henrik Ibsen and it’s good. There was an excerpt of it on the GED test, and ever since then I’ve wanted to read it.
I can say suck my dick in German now. Lutsch meinen schwanz.
I’m trying to pick up French again because I miss it.
I can recite The Artist by Oscar Wilde in its entirety. Now I’m working on the phone scene in The Social Network. (“You froze our account? – You froze the account. – Do you realize you could have jeopardized the entire company? Do you realize you could have permanently destroyed everything I’ve been working on? – Without money, the site can’t function. Okay, let me tell you the difference between Facebook and everybody else. WE DON’T CRASH EVER.” is what I have so far.)
Still into TSN fanfiction. I actually tried to read a Bennoda the other day, because it was updated after almost six months of waiting for the fuck chapter, but as soon as I saw the name “Chester” I couldn’t take it, closed the tab.
I downloaded LMFAO’s two albums and they’re okay, so far, that I’ve listened to. My favorite song is probably I Am Not a Whore off their first album.
Friday Bart bought me a new pair of converse because the ones I own now have writing on them. I need work shoes, clean shoes that are appropriate for work environments. In my defense, I did look at all the dressier shoes, but we were on a time crunch and I’m stubborn when it comes to my converse so I just bought a new pair. (For forty-five dollars. Fuck.)
I took the “trans” part out of my Twitter bio because I was tired of looking at it. I know what that means, but whatever. It doesn’t have to be right there in my fucking face all the time.
I could totally get into tennis if I put forth the effort.
That’s all the news I think. And of course here is a beautiful picture/gif to spruce up this wall of text.
-All
#nowplaying- Julien-K.
#nowwatching- well, I would be watching The Birdcage but James is in here about to go to sleep, so nothing. I’m watching nothing.
#nowreading- A Doll House by Henrik Ibsen.
#mood- pretty good. Tired. Back hurts. Lonely. Things.
