Tagged: gif
Quick Update + Jesse Gif
Work started Saturday morning, 8:30 to 12:30. I love working there. I worked Saturday, Sunday, yesterday, and I work tomorrow and Saturday morning again. I might have to work eight hour shifts on Wednesdays, 7:30 to 4. I’m not sure yet, though. It won’t happen for a while.
I got my new meds Friday and tried them. They’re basically Xanax in the sense that I take them as-needed, whenever my anxiety is bad. I took them Friday night and Saturday before work, and so far, I’ve noticed that they make me feel weak and shaky and emotional, like I could cry. Friday they helped my anxiety, but Saturday they didn’t as much, if at all. They look like forrealz drugs, though, like the shit you get off the street. It freaks me out.
If I’m not sleeping or at work, I’m doing homework. All the time. I just have so much shit to do, all the time. I hardly ever watch TV anymore, because I just can’t stand to sit and do nothing when I could be working on something. I have a paper due in English, American gov, and philosophy, all within the next four weeks.
I’m fucked for my meditation shit. I don’t like meditating, so far. I have no clue how I’m going to write a three to five page paper about how it changed my life.
I stumbled upon Jean-Paul Sartre’s Nausea, and it’s basically my life. I ordered it through the library, so hopefully I’ll be able to hold it in my hands in a month or so.
That’s all I have time for. So busy. So happy, too. I love college.
-All
#nowplaying- dance playlist. It keeps me going.
#nowwatching- Real Time, for breakfast and lunch, if I make myself take a break.
#nowreading- fucking everything, and when I get a chance, bits of Nausea by Jean-Paul Sartre.
#mood- good, a little stressed. Dancing.
An Update with a Pretty Gif
I had a pretty good weekend. We went up to Bart’s. On Saturday we went to a mall in Independence and a few hours after we left, there was a shooting there. I don’t know if anyone died but I know a few people got shot. On Friday, when we were on our way to dinner, we drove through a bad neighborhood and I saw a guy punch another guy and he fell to the ground clutching his stomach. Kansas City is the real deal.
On Thursday, I had my first appointment with my new therapist. She’s a student that specializes in CBT, which my old therapist and I thought would benefit me more. My old one specialized in identity and sexual orientation/identity stuff, but I’m over that (for the most part), so that’s why we changed. I think it’ll be fun, talking with her. Unfortunately, she’s only available on Thursdays, and I can only work at the library on Thursdays, so I’ll have to go right to the library after the appointment. We’ll see how it works.
Melanie was in Springfield on Thursday for a CPR training class, and after the appointment my mother and I met her at Olive Garden to eat. It was so great seeing her. She lived with us for almost five years, I think, and had more of an impact on me than she probably knows. We were talking, asking about Stephen (her son, two years younger than me), and she told us that he’s incredibly religious. He goes to the Baptist church that my step-great-aunt owns, the one I went to before and after school in fourth grade because my mum worked. It was also the one I went to Sunday school a few times, and it was the one where I got “saved”. He’s apparently hardcore about it. My mother mentioned that Baptists are rather strict about their feelings toward homosexuals, and Melanie was like, yeah, he believes it’s a sin. But it’s okay, she said, because it’s a sin, no more than being a murderer.
Stephen, the closest thing I have to a brother, the nicest, coolest kid I’ve ever known, the kid with a gay mom and a gay dad, thinks homosexuality is a sin. I was floored, unsurprisingly.
Tomorrow, classes start. I have a lecture from 5:30 to 8:15, American government. James has a math class around the same time, so I’m riding with her. I also plan to stay up until midnight tonight to see if my online classes show up on Blackboard. I am so fucking ready to get my ass kicked by school. I’m fucking ready to be a learned man.
I’m not that anxious about tomorrow. I mean, I am, obviously, but I’m handling it amazingly well. I just hope it sticks. So far, it has.
-All
#nowplaying- my studying playlist. I have a studying playlist now because I am in COLLEGE. I’m a COLLEGE STUDENT.
#nowwatching- I need to catch up on Family Guy episodes.
#nowreading- my textbooks, you know, BECAUSE I’M IN COLLEGE.
#mood- excited and hungry and tired and excited.
Happy September (Late) Update
Not much is going on, really, but I’ll make a list anyway.
Bart is here this weekend, staying until tomorrow. It’s great having him here.
James’s birthday was on Friday (the second) and I didn’t get her anything because I’m broke.
A lady called me from the Library Center on Friday, telling me there was a volunteer job I could do. I said yes, of course. It’s next Thursday, three to five, and I’ll be putting stickers on new books. (I’ve done it before, actually, when I worked at the school library in junior high.) She also said she liked my handwriting (from the application) so she might think of writing-related things for me to do. I’m so fucking excited to work. If I do well, impress them and all, then hopefully I’ll have a good edge in and be able to do more.
I’ve been having small bouts of anxiety but I ignore it, for the most part, because I know if I give in then I won’t be able to get out.
I’ve also been depressed, by my own diagnosis. It started some time this week, or lately, or something. I don’t remember, honestly. I have no idea what kind of thoughts I was having, or about what.
My friends still have lives. (My friends being Mich, Esha, Britta, and Joey, although Joey isn’t talking to me now. Not sure he’ll ever talk to me again.) Oh, that’s why I was depressed. I spend approximately seven hours a day by myself, and my friends (sometimes) don’t reply to my emails or dms or mentions on Twitter, so yeah, I feel pretty fucking alone right now. As I tweeted earlier today, though, “I may be alone, but I have at least two guys hooking up in my mind.” That is referring to the characters in my head. They’re still there. Maybe one day I’ll make a list.
Yesterday it was ninety-four degrees and today it was sixty-three. I’m fucking stoked for winter.
I’m reading A Doll House by Henrik Ibsen and it’s good. There was an excerpt of it on the GED test, and ever since then I’ve wanted to read it.
I can say suck my dick in German now. Lutsch meinen schwanz.
I’m trying to pick up French again because I miss it.
I can recite The Artist by Oscar Wilde in its entirety. Now I’m working on the phone scene in The Social Network. (“You froze our account? – You froze the account. – Do you realize you could have jeopardized the entire company? Do you realize you could have permanently destroyed everything I’ve been working on? – Without money, the site can’t function. Okay, let me tell you the difference between Facebook and everybody else. WE DON’T CRASH EVER.” is what I have so far.)
Still into TSN fanfiction. I actually tried to read a Bennoda the other day, because it was updated after almost six months of waiting for the fuck chapter, but as soon as I saw the name “Chester” I couldn’t take it, closed the tab.
I downloaded LMFAO’s two albums and they’re okay, so far, that I’ve listened to. My favorite song is probably I Am Not a Whore off their first album.
Friday Bart bought me a new pair of converse because the ones I own now have writing on them. I need work shoes, clean shoes that are appropriate for work environments. In my defense, I did look at all the dressier shoes, but we were on a time crunch and I’m stubborn when it comes to my converse so I just bought a new pair. (For forty-five dollars. Fuck.)
I took the “trans” part out of my Twitter bio because I was tired of looking at it. I know what that means, but whatever. It doesn’t have to be right there in my fucking face all the time.
I could totally get into tennis if I put forth the effort.
That’s all the news I think. And of course here is a beautiful picture/gif to spruce up this wall of text.
-All
#nowplaying- Julien-K.
#nowwatching- well, I would be watching The Birdcage but James is in here about to go to sleep, so nothing. I’m watching nothing.
#nowreading- A Doll House by Henrik Ibsen.
#mood- pretty good. Tired. Back hurts. Lonely. Things.
How My Friends Have Changed My Life
Obligatory gif to un-gay/gay this post up a bit.
Joey: He was one of my first online friends, and although we don’t talk anymore, and our friendship is nonexistent, I still think about him. He made me feel comfortable as a psychopath, with my weird quirks and slight racism and potty mouth.
Mich: She got me into fanfiction, which is huge. She’s stuck by me this whole time, putting up with all my weird shit and supporting me. She’s my fellow writer; she held my hand (figuratively) as I posted my first story on LPF three-ish years ago, and also when I posted my first TSN fic on an LJ community last week. She showed me that I’m not the only person crazy about their home state.
Jules: As much as I can’t stand her anymore, and after all that we’ve been through, she really was important in my life. She taught me that gender is just a small portion of who I am, that it doesn’t matter what gender I am because I’m just me. She taught me that someone can actually love me, although I still don’t understand that, and she taught me that I can be semi-good in a relationship. Most importantly, she taught me that I can be accepted for who I am (for the most part).
Britta: She taught me how to be a bro, how to be there for someone, and possibly most significant, she taught me about shippings and Pokemon. She’s my number one bro, and she always will be.
Esha: This is important. Esha taught me to have a writer’s cave, to play scenes in my head, and that it’s perfectly okay to have characters in your head doing things without your knowledge, consent, or control. I’m forever in debt to her because of this.
I’ll stop being gay now.
-All
Mundane Update
Interviewer: “You guys seem really happy together.”
Andrew: “We really are.”
Random update because I haven’t posted in a while I guess:
Went to see The Smurfs, and wrote a fic in which Gargamel jacks off. What the fuck is wrong with me.
Edited my stories homepage so it’s easier to navigate (in my opinion).
Added/edited a few categories on RWOP.
Still obsessed with The Social Network and Jesse and Andrew.
Single, still. Life is good without someone to answer to.
I tried to make a friend online who was trans but he hasn’t replied to my comment. I acknowledge the fact that the comment was rather, uh, creepy and awkward. I was going for the endearing kind of creepy and awkward but I’m not sure I pulled that off.
Mich got me hooked on Counting Bodies Like Sheep to the Rhythm of the War Drums by A Perfect Circle. That is the cockiest word to type fucking ever.
I can recite almost all of Oscar Wilde’s “The Artist”. I’ll be able to recite the whole thing by the end of the week.
I buy my mom cigarettes regularly now, apparently. It’s cool; I don’t mind.
Still smoking cigars when I get the chance.
I haven’t heard back from the library so I might call them today.
Also on the schedule for today: finish the FAFSA forms (in order to do this I have to call Bart and ask him about my mum’s tax returns), clean my Converse (they need to be clean and without writing if I want a job), laundry (oh fuck I need to start that), cleaning (should get started on that soon), and um, something else. Don’t remember.
I want to paint soontimes.
Today is the first day of school and it’s kind of weird not having to worry about going back. It would’ve been my senior year. I’m just glad it’s over with.
I got my permit on Friday, and have been driving this weekend. Really I’ve just been backing up from the driveway and pulling back in, and I even drove down my cul-de-sac and backed up and parked and all this other stuff. Not that impressive, but it’s a baby step and that’s all that matters.
I’m really thinking about possible living in a big city, perhaps. I like the idea of anonymity and lots of lights and busy things and not having to drive, but the idea of being robbed or mugged or kidnapped or raped or all the fucking germs, and the people, and everything, scares the shit out of me.
There is a froyo place here in my town, and another one opening within the next few months, which is both crazy and awesome.
Dr. Pepper is following me on Twitter and I think that is the coolest thing ever.
I need to eat breakfast soon.
It turns out that my friends actually have this thing people call a life (I don’t understand the concept), so I haven’t been talking to them very often, so I kind of just burrowed further into my little world. Which is both good and bad.
Today I’m going to try to go to this bookstore by my house to see if the lady is hiring, because fuck I need a fucking job. I might have to go to the Wireless Trendz store too, as a last resort.
I’ll stop ranting because nothing noteworthy has really happened. Just thought I should update.
-All
#nowplaying- 2-1 by Imogen Heap. In general though? Counting Bodies Like Sheep and Stornoway and NIN.
#nowwatching- The Social Network.
#nowreading- The Decay of Lying by Oscar Wilde.
#mood- awesome. Back hurts, and the dog stinks to high heaven, but yeah I’m good.
