Lots of shit going on. College is sucking up my entire life.

Bart got a job down here on Saturday. He starts two weeks from yesterday, which means he’s moving in. The house will include him, my mother, James, me, his dog, my mother’s dog, and my three cats. He will be drowning in a pool of estrogen (excluding me).
My English teacher has not been online for like two weeks. I’ve emailed her twice about the My Comp Lab fiasco. (I was under the wrong class, apparently, so the first two weeks’ assignments are zeroes right now. I compiled a document with screenshots showing I did, in fact, complete the assignments on time. I still haven’t heard back from her.) One of my classmates has called her and emailed her and still nothing. It’s fucking ridiculous.
I crammed last week for algebra, and today I’m taking the proctored exam. I’m expecting to fail it, actually. I hope I won’t, obviously, but I have a feeling I’m going to get a shit grade on it. If I were taking the class on the actual campus, I wouldn’t have a problem. I just can’t devote as much energy as I should to learn it better. If my grade gets too bad, I’m just going to drop it.
I have a three-to-five page research paper in English due on Sunday. I started it Sunday, but I’m not even close to being done. I just don’t have time.
I also have a paper due in philosophy on Friday. I’ll have to read some actual philosophy books by whatever philosopher I choose, to quote him and answer questions and all that. I’m leaning toward Nietzsche, just because I have some of his books checked out from the library right now.
I love my job. I actually miss it when I’m not there. I don’t have very much time to miss it, though, what with all the shit I have to do.
I faked the last week or so of meditation because I just didn’t give a shit anymore. I’m going to just bullshit my way through the paper.
I got paid for the first time last Friday. It didn’t feel weird or anything.
Oh, I took Kallie to the vet on Friday because my mother says we should because she’s getting skinny. I don’t remember much from the appointment because I was basically weaving in and out of consciousness. He said he thinks she’s okay, but we’re going to do bloodwork just in case, if I ever make an appointment to take her blood. That costs a little over a hundred dollars, I think he said. I broke down when I got home, because I’ve been avoiding the fact that my cats are getting old and will eventually die. I sat on the floor and sobbed for about ten minutes, which was really fucking weird because it’s the first time I’ve cried in over six months. Right now I’m just numb about it. I’ve shut myself off completely from feeling anything, it seems like. It’s not like I can control it.
I ordered Sartre’s Nausea from the library and I’m hoping it will come soon because I need it a lot.
I paid five dollars for a little Hawaiian girl from work for this silent auction thing. Her name is Elizabeth and she’s sitting on my desk right now by the Eiffel Tower James got me a week or so ago. She makes me happy.

I guess that’s about it. I need to go finish homework and do things. Ugh. Picture above is mine.

-All

#nowplaying- old school lunch hour.
#nowwatching- Biggest Loser, Pretty Little Liars, House, Saturday Night Live.
#nowreading- don’t even get me started.
#mood- good.

First, let me say that I’m a nice guy. I’m not saying that because of my huge ego–I’m saying it because it’s true. I know my manners. When I walk in front of someone in Walmart, I say “excuse me”. When my mother buys me dinner, or anything, I thank her for it. I’ve even thanked her, on occasion, for not kicking me out when I turned eighteen. I’m respectful.

On the other hand, I’m an asshole. Really, only to my friends. I don’t have a friend right now that I haven’t fucked up with, gone a month or two or a year without talking to. I’ve fucked up all my relationships one way or another, and I accept that–that’s what happens when I know someone for an extended period of time. It seems, though, that it tends to happen when they’re being nice to me.

If someone is nice to me, I feel I have to be nice back. I’m not always nice. I’m a plain, outright asshole at times, and when I have to stuff that in, it doesn’t work, and I backlash. Case in point, my ex. (Not sure if that counts completely, though, because that was a complicated matter, and she needed me too much. Another thing: don’t ever need me. It pisses me off. Thinking about being in charge of someone’s happiness makes my skin crawl.)

It seems like the best way to be friends with me is to first, treat me like I’m the best thing ever, and over time, slowly start to treat me like shit. I will respond to that; at first, I will talk to you because apparently you have some weird interest in me that I don’t know of. Then, once you’ve complimented me enough, I will think of you as pretty cool, and then think of you as a friend. And once you hit that mark, treat me like shit, and I’ll stand by you through everything.

My friend Joey, for example. He’s not the best friend–actually, I don’t even think we’re friends. I don’t think we were ever friends. But through everything he’s been through, I’ve stood by him loyally, because he’s my friend. He’s treated me like shit, yes, like almost everyone has–and I’ve been nice to him right back. We had a few fights, yeah. We’ll never be the same after the last fight, but that’s cool. I don’t expect him to come back to me, or anything. Especially being bffs with my ex. It’s hard to be friends with someone who broke you best friend’s heart.

I’d list other examples, but actually I don’t want to infringe on their privacy. I included Joey because we’re not really friends anymore, and I know he won’t ever read this. I don’t really think anyone reads this anymore, but if you do and you happen to be offended, look at the title. I’m an asshole.

In short: to be friends with me, treat me awesomely at first until I think we’re friends, and then treat me like shit, and we’ll be fine.

-All

-All

Hope you have a good one.

-All

#nowplaying- Gotye’s new album, Making Mirrors.
#nowwatching- about to watch TSN, probably.
#nowreading- catching up on my emails.
#mood- okay. Sick. Want to go to bed.

So I’ll book a ticket on “Delta Airlines”, and I’ll show up at the airport, and I go, “Can I get on the plane now, please?” And they go, “No! It’s delayed nine hours! (spits)” And I go, “Okay!” and then I go to the bathroom. And then I come out of the bathroom and I go, “Any updates?” And they go, “Yeah! We took off while you were in the bathroom, because we hate you! But take this meal voucher that doesn’t work! Go, fetch!” And I go, “Okay!” And I go over to the Wolfgang Puck Express, and I go, “Can I have a sandwich please?” And they go, “NO!” And I go, “Okay!” and they go, “You’re a little fat girl, aren’t you?” And I go, “No…”, and they go, “Say it!” and I go, “I’m a little fat girl!” And then I go over to the Delta Help Desk, which is an oxymoron, and I go, “Can I please go home on an airplane?” And they go, “No! In fact, we’re gonna frame you for murder! And you’re gonna go to jail for thirty years!” And I go, “Why are you doing this to me?” And they go, “(sings) Because we’re Delta Airlines, and life is a fucking nightmare!”

From his comedy special New in Town, which is amazing.

Also, happy four-hundredth post.

-All

#nowplaying- Gotye, hopefully soon.
#nowwatching- this.
#nowreading- textbooks.
#mood- awesome, a little stressed out.

I’ve been so busy with other homework and things to do today that I almost forgot to meditate. My mother’s boyfriend came down today to spend the night, so that knocked me off schedule. That’s why I meditated so late.

I didn’t want to meditate necessarily, because it’s hard for me to take a few minutes to just sit and “do nothing” when I have all the homework I need to do. I took my jewelry off, set the towel on the floor, set my iPod alarm for fifteen minutes, and started. A few minutes in, I realized that I still need to do the brainstorm peer conference report, which I haven’t done, so that distracted me. A few minutes after that, I remembered I was going to put on music this time, so I grabbed my iPod and put Nine Inch Nails on. After that, it was a breeze. At one point, I could only feel my hands on my knees; that was the only thing grounding me in the “physical” world.

I had an anxiety attack in the middle of it, actually, about going to work for my first day on Saturday. I focused on what I was doing, which was meditating, calming, and that helped. For some reason, I remember this sweeping motion, similar to Tevye’s gesture in Fiddler on the Roof when he was singing If I Were a Rich Man, sweeping up everything, including my anxiety, and rolling it in a ball, and kind of cradling it, or something. It was very soothing. (Also, the lyrics when he did that gesture were “there would be one long staircase just going up, and one even longer coming down”.)

I thought about “the bigger picture”, which to me is the Universe. It humbles me, and brings me to a further awareness, to think that I live on a rock orbiting a star in this vast Universe. It puts everything in perspective.

Tomorrow, I’ll do something different, something I want to do, so I’m excited about meditating. Today I wasn’t all excited.

Hope you have a good one.

-All

Work started Saturday morning, 8:30 to 12:30. I love working there. I worked Saturday, Sunday, yesterday, and I work tomorrow and Saturday morning again. I might have to work eight hour shifts on Wednesdays, 7:30 to 4. I’m not sure yet, though. It won’t happen for a while.
I got my new meds Friday and tried them. They’re basically Xanax in the sense that I take them as-needed, whenever my anxiety is bad. I took them Friday night and Saturday before work, and so far, I’ve noticed that they make me feel weak and shaky and emotional, like I could cry. Friday they helped my anxiety, but Saturday they didn’t as much, if at all. They look like forrealz drugs, though, like the shit you get off the street. It freaks me out.
If I’m not sleeping or at work, I’m doing homework. All the time. I just have so much shit to do, all the time. I hardly ever watch TV anymore, because I just can’t stand to sit and do nothing when I could be working on something. I have a paper due in English, American gov, and philosophy, all within the next four weeks.
I’m fucked for my meditation shit. I don’t like meditating, so far. I have no clue how I’m going to write a three to five page paper about how it changed my life.
I stumbled upon Jean-Paul Sartre’s Nausea, and it’s basically my life. I ordered it through the library, so hopefully I’ll be able to hold it in my hands in a month or so.

That’s all I have time for. So busy. So happy, too. I love college.

-All

#nowplaying- dance playlist. It keeps me going.
#nowwatching- Real Time, for breakfast and lunch, if I make myself take a break.
#nowreading- fucking everything, and when I get a chance, bits of Nausea by Jean-Paul Sartre.
#mood- good, a little stressed. Dancing.

Day one was interesting. I planned to meditate around two o’clock, but I had to run errands with James (my roommate), so I’m doing it at seven.

To prepare for my meditation, I put a towel down on the floor to sit on, and I put my hamper in front of my barely-open door, because I knew my cat Kallie would come in mid-meditation and I didn’t want my bedroom door open all the way. I turned the lights off and paused the TV, which was on high volume because I was watching the new episode of House. I set a timer on my iPod Touch to go off in five minutes, and chose the harp ringtone because it seemed like the calmest one.

For the first minute or so, I struggled to sit upright because I’m usually hunched over like the missing link, and I struggled with my breath, which I’ve always had problems with. After two minutes or so, though, I was starting to get in the hang of it, and that was, of course, when Kallie came in, meowing.

I handled it fairly well, though. I only laughed a little, because she was purring and climbing on my lap and rubbing on my hands, but I got back into the meditation pretty quickly. For the first few minutes, I was told to just listen to my surroundings, which I did; all I heard was the TV from the living room, Phoebe (another of my cats) purring on my bed, Kallie meowing, and the sound of my TV’s static noise. It was very calming, just to sit and be aware of everything, to have a few quiet moments. I feel re-energized and a lot calmer than I was before. I’m not stressed out about my homework like I was before the meditation, either. I’m pretty excited to do it again tomorrow, except I’ll have to tweak a few things. I’m going to try to do it earlier in the day so I can benefit from it more, and I’m going to take my glasses off and maybe my ring and watch, too, so it doesn’t feel like I’m weighed down as much.

So today was a mission success.