Update, News, Etc. + Picture
Lots of shit going on. College is sucking up my entire life.
Bart got a job down here on Saturday. He starts two weeks from yesterday, which means he’s moving in. The house will include him, my mother, James, me, his dog, my mother’s dog, and my three cats. He will be drowning in a pool of estrogen (excluding me).
My English teacher has not been online for like two weeks. I’ve emailed her twice about the My Comp Lab fiasco. (I was under the wrong class, apparently, so the first two weeks’ assignments are zeroes right now. I compiled a document with screenshots showing I did, in fact, complete the assignments on time. I still haven’t heard back from her.) One of my classmates has called her and emailed her and still nothing. It’s fucking ridiculous.
I crammed last week for algebra, and today I’m taking the proctored exam. I’m expecting to fail it, actually. I hope I won’t, obviously, but I have a feeling I’m going to get a shit grade on it. If I were taking the class on the actual campus, I wouldn’t have a problem. I just can’t devote as much energy as I should to learn it better. If my grade gets too bad, I’m just going to drop it.
I have a three-to-five page research paper in English due on Sunday. I started it Sunday, but I’m not even close to being done. I just don’t have time.
I also have a paper due in philosophy on Friday. I’ll have to read some actual philosophy books by whatever philosopher I choose, to quote him and answer questions and all that. I’m leaning toward Nietzsche, just because I have some of his books checked out from the library right now.
I love my job. I actually miss it when I’m not there. I don’t have very much time to miss it, though, what with all the shit I have to do.
I faked the last week or so of meditation because I just didn’t give a shit anymore. I’m going to just bullshit my way through the paper.
I got paid for the first time last Friday. It didn’t feel weird or anything.
Oh, I took Kallie to the vet on Friday because my mother says we should because she’s getting skinny. I don’t remember much from the appointment because I was basically weaving in and out of consciousness. He said he thinks she’s okay, but we’re going to do bloodwork just in case, if I ever make an appointment to take her blood. That costs a little over a hundred dollars, I think he said. I broke down when I got home, because I’ve been avoiding the fact that my cats are getting old and will eventually die. I sat on the floor and sobbed for about ten minutes, which was really fucking weird because it’s the first time I’ve cried in over six months. Right now I’m just numb about it. I’ve shut myself off completely from feeling anything, it seems like. It’s not like I can control it.
I ordered Sartre’s Nausea from the library and I’m hoping it will come soon because I need it a lot.
I paid five dollars for a little Hawaiian girl from work for this silent auction thing. Her name is Elizabeth and she’s sitting on my desk right now by the Eiffel Tower James got me a week or so ago. She makes me happy.
I guess that’s about it. I need to go finish homework and do things. Ugh. Picture above is mine.
-All
#nowplaying- old school lunch hour.
#nowwatching- Biggest Loser, Pretty Little Liars, House, Saturday Night Live.
#nowreading- don’t even get me started.
#mood- good.
I’m an Asshole
In my therapy session today, I mentioned the fact that I’m an asshole, and had to explain to her what I meant by that.
First, let me say that I’m a nice guy. I’m not saying that because of my huge ego–I’m saying it because it’s true. I know my manners. When I walk in front of someone in Walmart, I say “excuse me”. When my mother buys me dinner, or anything, I thank her for it. I’ve even thanked her, on occasion, for not kicking me out when I turned eighteen. I’m respectful.
On the other hand, I’m an asshole. Really, only to my friends. I don’t have a friend right now that I haven’t fucked up with, gone a month or two or a year without talking to. I’ve fucked up all my relationships one way or another, and I accept that–that’s what happens when I know someone for an extended period of time. It seems, though, that it tends to happen when they’re being nice to me.
If someone is nice to me, I feel I have to be nice back. I’m not always nice. I’m a plain, outright asshole at times, and when I have to stuff that in, it doesn’t work, and I backlash. Case in point, my ex. (Not sure if that counts completely, though, because that was a complicated matter, and she needed me too much. Another thing: don’t ever need me. It pisses me off. Thinking about being in charge of someone’s happiness makes my skin crawl.)
It seems like the best way to be friends with me is to first, treat me like I’m the best thing ever, and over time, slowly start to treat me like shit. I will respond to that; at first, I will talk to you because apparently you have some weird interest in me that I don’t know of. Then, once you’ve complimented me enough, I will think of you as pretty cool, and then think of you as a friend. And once you hit that mark, treat me like shit, and I’ll stand by you through everything.
My friend Joey, for example. He’s not the best friend–actually, I don’t even think we’re friends. I don’t think we were ever friends. But through everything he’s been through, I’ve stood by him loyally, because he’s my friend. He’s treated me like shit, yes, like almost everyone has–and I’ve been nice to him right back. We had a few fights, yeah. We’ll never be the same after the last fight, but that’s cool. I don’t expect him to come back to me, or anything. Especially being bffs with my ex. It’s hard to be friends with someone who broke you best friend’s heart.
I’d list other examples, but actually I don’t want to infringe on their privacy. I included Joey because we’re not really friends anymore, and I know he won’t ever read this. I don’t really think anyone reads this anymore, but if you do and you happen to be offended, look at the title. I’m an asshole.
In short: to be friends with me, treat me awesomely at first until I think we’re friends, and then treat me like shit, and we’ll be fine.
-All
Happy Perthday, @m_shinoda
Hope you have a good one.
-All
#nowplaying- Gotye’s new album, Making Mirrors.
#nowwatching- about to watch TSN, probably.
#nowreading- catching up on my emails.
#mood- okay. Sick. Want to go to bed.
